An Andean Adventure

November 26, 2019

My first step into Latin America was an enormous one. It was my first experience of what we used to call the Third World, before every piece of real estate became a “developing country.” Since then, of course, I know a bit more about development but, back then, aged 23, I was as dumb as a newborn. To be sure, I had prepared myself by taking Introductory Spanish and knew to be careful, but no one could have predicted I would be robbed within days of my arrival.

I flew into Cali, Colombia, because I had heard visitors usually are robbed in the capital, Bogota. The second day in Cali, staying in a dried out, wooden colonial-era hotel, I decided to stop being shy with my camera. I had come to take photos. And so, I wandered into a nearby suburb of hillside slums, camera ready for action. I felt fairly safe for I was in the company of two guys I’d met just that morning: Carlos, son of a local engineer and Dan, a tall American who was high on weed. I reasoned the three of us would outmatch any potential thieves. How wrong I was. Within moments of starting to take photos of the hillsides, out of the corner of my eye, I noted a couple of figures hastily sliding down the hillside. Incautiously, I put them out of my mind. Next thing I know, they were surrounding me, one with a kitchen knife poked into my stomach, the other with a broken bottle jabbed into my back ribs. I was being robbed.

If this has never happened to you, let me tell you how it is. The brain quickly goes into hyper mode. It considers the situation the body finds itself in, thinking What if they stab me? I noted a hospital on the way here. I can get there. But what about the filth on that knife? In a flash, another part of the brain realizes that events need not go down badly. Resistance is possible. There are three of us, it says. The brain instructs the mouth to say: “Carlos. Dan. There are three of us. We can take these guys.” But then the brain directs the eyes to look sideways, and the eyes note Dan and Carlos leaving the scene, apparently deep in conversation. They are abandoning me to my fate, the brain realizes. Things have become urgent.

The brain races for a solution. Meanwhile, the thief behind you takes your camera bag off your shoulder, alleviating you of a burden that includes your passport, your traveller’s cheques, cash, rolls of film, camera, lenses – your entire future as a photo-journalist. The crook vanishes from view. The thief with the knife forces you to get into a concrete culvert, designed for the deluges of the rainy season. Then, the knife man comes close enough for you to smell his rotten breath. He puts a hand into one of your trouser pockets and withdraws US dollars you were (stupidly) keeping in reserve. One of the bills drops into a puddle in the culvert. The brain gets excited for this is an opportunity to save your face if not your ass. You point to the bill. The thief glances down, instinctively he bends to pick it up even as your foot launches to kick him (WHACK!) in the head. Which is what I did, fully expecting to be knifed thereafter. But he had gotten what he wanted, and his brain own said Let’s get outta here. Ahora! He ran up the steep hillside as I flung stones at him, missing each time. I ran uphill after him but, by the time I was at the top, he had vanished.

Enter Lucy. Columbian women are some of the planet’s most beautiful, at least in my estimation. There are mulattos with chestnut brown hair and blue eyes, voluptuously built. Others are blonde, dark-eyed, deeply mysterious and sexy. But Lucy was none of these. Instead, she was rather plain, with a mess of black hair, badly dressed and aggressive. She had been hanging around the hotel lobby and had struck up a conversation with me while visiting the desk clerk. Lucy offered to help me file a robbery complaint with the local police.

To do this, we went to see a magistrate whose secretary recorded my story, then asked me to sign it as a denuncia. This allowed the police to round up the usual suspects from the slums. A few days after the event, I was summoned to the police station to identify my attackers. Only the knife man was there. As soon as I saw him in the dirt-floored basement holding cell, anger gripped me. I wanted to smash his face in, but a police officer held me back. Carlos was there too, as a witness. But he claimed he wasn’t sure … hadn’t really seen the guy, etc. “Don’t be a chicken,” I said to him in English. (He had studied in the States.) “They may know where I live,” he muttered. But he cooperated. The thief was fingered.

It didn’t end there. Over the next four weeks, I had to identify the culprit again in a large, dusty prison yard. There were hundreds of men standing around talking and smoking as I followed a guard into a corridor of cells. Again, there was a lineup, viewed through a slit in a door. I identified the thief. To my surprise, that was all it took to convict him. There was no trial. I was told he’d get a fitting sentence but was later assured he would be freed once I left the country. There were just too many prisoners to house everyone. Besides, he was a father of two children, desperate to make a living. I softened at that, offering to withdraw the charges if he coughed up my camera and passport. He could keep the money. I was getting my travellers’ cheques reimbursed by American Express. But I was told the thief claimed he had sold the camera and didn’t know what happened to the passport. I would have to go to the capital to get new travel documents.

Meanwhile, Lucy got the idea that she and I were “engaged,” we were novios. This hadn’t occurred to me. She would meet me at my hotel, and we would go out to eat. There was no intimacy between us at all. However, one day she asked me to accompany her to a town in the south. She wanted to visit her uncle, out in the jungle. This was a trick.

We got there in the back of a dump truck, arriving in a poor village of mud houses and tin roofs, encircled by heavy vegetation and banana trees. She introduced me to her uncle and brother, an electrician who seemed to be under the impression I would give him the money to buy a piece of land to build a house on. At least this is what I gleaned of a short conversation he had with me. I began to grow suspicious. My inklings were confirmed that night when Lucy, a young cousin (acting as chaperone), and I were bedded in a room together. In the dark, I heard Lucy say she couldn’t sleep, and then she came into my bed, stark naked.

Oh, Oh, I thought. I had heard of Latin shotgun weddings. I tried to push her out of the bed, but she hung on tenaciously. Finally, the weakness of the flesh kicked in and the inevitable happened. But then the brain came to the rescue. What are you doing, you moron? it said. I managed to eject Lucy before something critical happened. She slithered back to her bed. In the morning she complained of feeling sore, but I assured her this was no cause for concern. It would soon pass. Reassured, we headed back to Cali.

Lucy continued to visit me in the hotel. She would arrive unannounced to make herself at home as though we were a pair. She would try to kiss me. But by now I was wise to her intentions, and I had decided that she couldn’t help me further. It was time to go. Once I had a new passport, I decided to take the bus to Ecuador.

On one of our last nights together, we went to a club, appropriately called Club Obscuro, located in a basement of a row of shops. You descended a flight of stairs and found yourself in total darkness until a waiter came with a flashlight to escort you to a table. There were buzzers on the wall but no lights whatsoever. We ordered a bottle of aguardiente, a killer of a drink.

As we talked quietly, I head whisperings of people in the dark. I guessed what was going on, why it had to be totally obscuro. There were short groans and sighs, here and there. Another trap. But I assured myself that I couldn’t be roped in again. We downed shot glass after shot glass of diente until it was time to go. I had paid upon getting the bottle, so we were free to leave. As I attempted to get to my feet, the drinks hit me. I leaned too heavily on the table, and it collapsed. We laughed and felt our way along a wall to the stairway, to escape before the waiter arrived.

That night, while waiting for Lucy’s bus, she asked if she could have a lock of my hair, and would I give her a photo of myself? I had an old bus pass with a picture, so I gave her that. Surprisingly, she had scissors, which should have told me something, but I was too drunk to think. Months later, back home, one disaster after another visited me. I counted them. There were thirteen in all – things like my car’s motor seizing up; getting hit in the head by a softball; falling asleep at the wheel and nearly crashing; falling ill with dysentery – many more calamities which I won’t go into. Lucy had hexed me. But at the time, eager to get away, I had promised to return; not to worry, I had to come back to Cali to get my flight home, etc., etc. She seemed to believe me, but that was wishful thinking on my part. In short, it took years before the curse wore off but eventually it did.

As for Carlos, el Pollo, as I referred to him, he was a typical male Latino. When I had no money after being robbed, he took me to a bordello. The place was accessed by pressing a bell to open a steel gate which led to a long flight of stairs going upwards. At the top, there was a doorman who would allow you entry if you seemed legit. The bar was all lit up in red. Totally kitsch. At the bar, a girl or two sat on a stool, looking bored. Along the walls, there was a long bench with girls seated, their faces indifferent. One caught my eye – a petite lady wearing cowboy boots and a modest, plain-white dress. She also caught Carlos’ eye. He invited her over for a drink. Apparently, she was a secretary by day and hooker by night in order to feed a mother and several young brothers. Carlos offered her a ride home at the end of her stint.

A black hooker offered to take me upstairs. I told her about being robbed, not having a centavo left. She laughed till tears came to her eyes. “Proxima vez,” I assured her with a smile. Meanwhile, a drunk had arrived, totally out of control. The barkeeper steered him into a back room and sent a girl to keep him company. Otherwise, the place was deathly quiet as it was a weekday evening. We left shortly thereafter, the cowboy-booted girl between us in Carlos’ pickup truck. While driving her home, Carlos made a date with her, probably extending the prospect of an escape from poverty. Colombian men often found mistresses in brothels. I was a bit disgusted with Carlos but put him out of my mind as I would be leaving soon. I never returned to Colombia.

I don’t recall whether the Greyhound bus took us passengers right into Otavalo or left us at the Colombian border. In either case, I found an old hotel in the Ecuadorian town known for ponchos and blankets made by the Otavalo Indians. My hotel in a creaky state, floorboards that gave the impression they could fall in at any moment, and doors that were locked with little padlocks that could disintegrate with a swift kick. But, the rooms were spartan and clean.

A native girl, with long braided hair, would arrive daily with a fresh decanter of water, her eyes modestly lowered. I observed her in my shaving mirror as I lathered my face. She never said a word or smiled. Meanwhile, the boss of the place, a short, ugly Spaniard, stomped about the creaking boards, grunted and grumbled at the native servants, with never a friendly greeting to anyone. Perhaps business was going badly. There were hardly any gringos in town although Otavalo was well-recommended in the South American Handbook. Local people wore traditional costumes and hats once imposed on them by the Spanish. The natives were prosperous, relatively speaking. There were pullovers and ponchos for sale at the old market and cockfights to bet on in a hall nearby. As further distractions, you could watch Indian fathers playing with their children like innocents from a lost paradise.

It was Easter, time to attend a mass. The Otavalo cathedral’s interior was dark but with a sudden pool of light illuminating a priest at the altar, all in white, with his back to the congregation of native people. His voice echoed as men and women held Christian song books (some upside down) and chanted on cue. The priest, an old Español, conducted the mass in Latin. When the proceedings called for everyone to shake hands, I turned to the man next to me only to be met with a look of shock. He had realized I was white. I had my hand out, but he immediately pretended he had not seen me. I assumed that the Spaniards were still feared. I left the church a sadder man.

The days in Otavalo passed quickly. On preparing to leave, I decided to make my transistor radio a gift for the little chamber maid. As I explained to her, she’d need to get some new baterias for these had worn out. As I handed her the radio, her face broke into a huge smile. We made eye-contact, and I felt elated. I had done something good. It wasn’t till later that I learned that if you give a maid or servant something in such a poor country, you had better make sure her boss understands she did not steal it from you. My ignorance could have cost the girl her job, or worse. My action stemmed from ignorance, and I wondered about it for years.

During my time in the Andes, I witnessed incidents of abuse which troubled me. For instance, in Columbia I saw a group of presos working on road construction. Lucy explained to me that these were men the police rounded up essentially as slave labour for construction companies. They may or may not have done something illegal to warrant such treatment, but there was no one to challenge the status quo on their behalf. In another episode, two young Americans, most likely on drugs, threw handfuls of loose change onto a restaurant floor, calling the indigenous waiters derogatory names in Spanish. I felt embarrassed for us travelers but said nothing as I was too shocked to respond.

In Ecuador’s capital, Quito, I stayed in a pension recommended in my guidebook. It was February, the time the rains fall. From my pension, I could see the sloping streets of the old town with leading to distant cathedral spires. Sometimes, I would walk to a muddy little field where fish and vegetables were sold in deplorably filthy conditions. Nothing on the wooden carts looked edible to me, but the locals had no choice but to buy what was available. I spent days walking narrow colonial streets, sitting in little coffee shops, making notations in my journal.

A couple of times, I visited Maria, a woman I had met in Otavalo. She was getting heavy but had a pretty face and a teenage daughter, a real beauty with jet-black hair and coal-black eyes. She reminded me of “The girl from Ipanema.” Maria explained she had to get Mercedes out of Chicago where they’d been living because the girl was hanging out with neighbourhood gangsters. She would leave Mercedes with an aunt in Quito.

I was glad to have someone with whom to speak English. On one occasion, I was invited to sleep on the couch as we had consumed too much wine with dinner, and it was a long walk to my pension. It must have been about midnight when I heard a soft voice singing. At first I thought it was a radio, but then Maria came into the room to open the shutters. She beckoned me to the window. On the sidewalk, visible by streetlight, was a young man with a guitar, serenading a girl next door. “It happened all the time when I was young,” Maria said with a smile. “It happened so often my father got upset.” I could imagine Maria at seventeen and believed her.

My colonial-era pension was curious in that it had glass floors. You could look up and see the soles of slippers making their way across the ceiling. At the very top of the building was a skylight that provided three storeys with sunshine. One day, at lunch that was usually attended by military officers, some priests, doctors, and lawyers, I met a woman in her early 40s. She was a stereotypical schoolteacher – a bit frumpy in Victorian lace and long skirts, with sweaters that smelled faintly of wear, and thick, unattractive stockings, planted in clumpy shoes. She had her hair in a bun, held in place with pins. I tried to imagine her transformed with a bit of makeup, but I couldn’t. I recall getting into a conversation. She talked about the Plaza family, a kind of mafia, as she put it, that held all the best land in Ecuador. “I would gladly leave this country,” she confided with a glance at the officers at a table nearby, adding: “But for me it’s too late.”

The pension was well-known for its lunch; hence it was patronized by a variety of the city’s professionals. The house was run by two elderly sisters who cooked everything themselves. One day, I was digging into my meal when there was a timid knock on the door. At first, I thought I was the only person who had heard it but Luiz, the dimwitted servant, went to see who it was. When he opened it, I could see a native woman with a baby strapped to her back, sitting on the top stair. She held out her hand, eyes downcast, asking for food. Luiz looked over his shoulder at the mistresses of the house who had come out of the kitchen. He was asking what to do. “Shut the door!” the order came, and he slammed the door in the Indian woman’s face. The one who had given the directive was the elder of the sisters, the one with a Christian cross hung around her neck.

In those days, Ecuador was more impoverished and (probably) more racist than it is today. There were beggars languishing in the shadows of the doorways of the cathedral, exposing legs rotten with leprosy. Others were missing eyes, ears, or limbs. When I ate in restaurants, the menus often promised things that were No hay! Not available. There was scarcity. I once walked out of a place because there seemed not to be anything that the menu promised, only to be followed by the owner telling me the waiter had not understood. There was bean soup that day.

Children lingered around the restaurants that were open to the streets. On one occasion, a native boy arrived at my table, his sad eyes fixed on mine. I took him for the busboy who would clear the table once I had finished. He did. But he took the leftovers from my plate and unceremoniously shoveled them into his mouth, then went on to another table. I could see the rest of his family on the sidewalk, waiting their turn. The humiliation of having to live like this escaped me. But – and I hate to say this – I eventually got used to it.

Back in Cali, I had noticed a white spot on Lucy’s cornea that would spread until she was blind. In the Andes, I often saw this in the eyes of children. I was told it was a cataract (glaucoma) that could easily be removed, but doctors were scarce in the Andes. They did not want to live there, or they were busy in the cities, or were awaiting visas for the United States. In one small town, circled by Andean peaks, I found a hole-in-the-wall “pharmacy” attended by a young fellow in a white doctor’s coat. I asked to see his medicines and was shown a single shelf holding a couple of boxes of Bayer antibiotics, probably outdated.

As I had contracted some kind of dysentery and was losing weight, I wondered if I could tolerate the humidity of a lower altitude. My initial intent had been to go into the Amazon basin, catch a river boat, and float down the Amazon into Brazil. The bus brought me to a rain-soaked, steamy village in the jungle where the Colorado Indians lived. The walls in the old hotel where I stayed were sweating with rivulets of condensed moisture. My bed’s mattress was soggy. After a brief rainstorm, the street puddles were steaming.

While skirting muddy puddles, I literally ran into a Colorado. I happened to turn around to see a huge, muscular fellow, naked except for a loincloth and rubber boots. Like most of his tribe, he had his hair cut Beatles-fashion, with a bright red streak down the middle. For a moment, we stared at each other as though we’d come from different planets. I think I managed to say “Wow!” before he passed me. I had never seen anyone more impressive. Sad to say, the Amazon River trip never happened.

Next on my magic mystery tour was Peru, a contrast to lusciously green Ecuador and Colombia. Along with several other passengers disgorged from the bus at the Ecuadorian border early in the morning, I waited for an appropriate hour to cross into Peru. There were two dogs coupling in the dusty street, apparently unable to let go of each other. Their yelping seemed an embarrassment to some of the locals who were just opening their stores. A shop owner came with a bucket of water, poured it over the animals and, success, they went on their separate ways, no doubt wiser for the experience.

Businesses were just opening when several young men with black briefcases appeared. They came around to us wielding calculators, asking how much we’d like to trade, US dollars to Peruvian soles. I hesitated. The guidebook had cautioned against resorting to money-traders, but others were trading so, after a time, I changed a hundred dollars. Then the border was opened.

On the bus, I had met a young social worker and his wife. In the Ecuadorian border town, they had traded currencies while I was heading to the frontier crossing. The Peruvian customs agent me down and found a knife concealed under my shirt. “What’s this for?” he asked. I replied: “It’s for ladrones – people who try to rob me.” He seemed satisfied at this and waved me through. Not so my companions. When it came their turn, he searched Roger’s pockets, drew out a wad of Peruvian currency, and confiscated the lot. Needless to say, Roger was livid.

From the border, Roger, Agi, and I caught a bus to a seaside town called Trujillo. There we rented a Volkswagen beetle and roared around the desert, returning to our hotel as at sunset. As we pulled in, the owner of the hotel was lovingly polishing his own vehicle, of which he seemed very proud. Seeing us with a car, he was a bit shocked, thinking we had just bought it. I explained it was a rental, at which he exhaled with relief. We were gringos but not that rich. There wasn’t much in Trujillo: a large warehouse of brown sugar, shoveled into a mountain by a bulldozer, and a rusty freighter waiting in port. We played soccer with some of the ship’s crew, all from India. The next day, we continued south by bus. I traveled with Roger and Agi for a week, then they tired of me and went their own way.

Lima was closed. There was a police strike in progress. The officers had barricaded themselves into their barracks, defying government orders to return to duty. I waited a few days before the city was opened. On arrival, I met a traveler whose hostel was across from the police barracks. He said ambulances had been coming and going all day in the final hours of the strike. The army had slaughtered dozens of cops. This was Peru, after all.

There was a rumour that, during the police strike, looters had broken into gold shops, stealing jewelry which had made its way into the tourist circuit. I had this in mind when a man showed up with a huge gold ring, going for a few US dollars. Fool that I was, I asked a fellow traveler to keep an eye on the man while I took the ring to my room to scrape it – to see if it was really gold. My mistake was that I had paid the fellow in advance. By the time I found it was fake, he had already disappeared. I was stuck with a ring that turned green on my finger within a day.

Peru was under the rule of a left-leaning military government dedicated to indigenizing the country. Consequently, Incan imagery was everywhere. Instead of Coca Cola, there was Inca Kola. Incan natives in full dress were on posters and billboards and on cigarette packets. The government had financed the creation of a new fishing fleet for Pesca Peru, as the agency was called. The boats were in a neat row along the coast, waiting be launched into the Pacific, while the fishermen and their families received new houses. At the time, I took it for granted that such programs were welcomed and would work out.

While in Lima, I met a Peruvian girl on the bus going to Miraflores, the famous beach resort. Her name was Raquel. She had long black hair, a slim figure, and a very Incan profile, by which I mean she had an Incan nose. Not unattractive, but definitely Incan. And she was as innocent as newly fallen snow. I asked if she would meet me next day at the beach, to which she agreed.

After our day at the beach, she invited me to her family home for dinner. Arriving by taxi, dressed in the black shirt I had been saving for a formal occasion, I was met at the door by her father, dressed exactly as I was – all in black. We looked like two Falangists. Maybe because of this, we got along immediately. He was an engineer working in the jungle, home for a holiday. Raquelita was his only daughter, a point he was keen to stress. Dinner went well. At one moment, the mother said I was from a “superior civilization,” to which I replied “differente, pero no superior,” which pleased her immensely. We had hit if off.

Then the parents retired, leaving Raquel and me alone on the couch. In no time, I had her giggling so loud we were afraid mother would come down to see what was going on. The next day, though, Raquel asked when we were getting married, and would we have to sleep together. She made a sour face when I nodded. The following day, I took off for Cuzco, the ancient Incan capital.

The bus from Lima to Cuzco takes twenty-seven hours through mountains. In those days, the roads were unpaved, with no railings to keep vehicles from tumbling into the abyss. Every week somewhere a busload went over the edge, killing or maiming passengers. But I realized this only later.

The bus snaked its way up and up, around potholed, narrow corners, until darkness fell. Then the motor quit, leaving us passengers and the two drivers in the dark. There was no traffic, so it was no problem to park high above a treacherous valley which we could not see, but we knew was there. Most of the passengers were indigenous folks transporting produce to markets in Cuzco. One man had a possum that shat on his back; another had chickens in a cage; others had loaded packages on top of the roof. While we tried to sleep, someone played an Andean lute, transforming the bus into a magic ship of humanity. Then came daybreak.

By the time the sun poked its head over the peaks, the motor had cooled enough to be touched. The problem was solved by our clever driver, a burly fellow who laughed as he worked, so proud was he of his role as captain of our motley crew. Off we went, but not for long. It had been raining for several hours and, sure enough, after descending around some winding turns, we hit a landslide. The road was blocked. But, the drivers produced shovels and the men got busy clearing the road. Passengers pushed the bus as one of the driver gave gas, bouncing the vehicle over the loose dirt onto more solid ground. We got in and were off for the next challenge.

The bus climbed onto an Altiplano. Maybe this is not its technical designation, but the land was without trees, so high it seemed you could touch the clouds. In the distance, over a vast, empty plain, there was a dark curtain of a shower. It was cold. I imagined historic battles having taken place on this top of the world, although this was probably more fanciful than real. The bus halted at the only dwelling in sight, a humble, stone-constructed way station for toilet breaks. Here, I had mate, a tea popular in Latin America. We continued for bumpy hours until Cuzco where the sun was just about to squeeze itself behind mountain peaks. At the end of our trip, I found the drivers devouring their dinner in the terminal restaurant. I went over to thank them for the safe journey.

At over 8,000 feet elevation, Cuzco sits as in a bowl surrounded by mountains. The elevation was hard on the lungs at first. You had to walk slower than normal and pause to catch your breath. The city is ancient, mostly of stonework, with red-tiled homes climbing the hillsides. At its center, there is a public square with a Catholic church perched on top an Incan foundation. As was their practice, the Spaniards leveled native temples to erect churches on the ruins. This was a manner of subjugating the locals, but with Incanization, the indigenous people appeared to be clawing back some of their pride.

I had met Lucy in Colombia, Maria in Ecuador and, as fate would have it, I met Leila in Cuzco. I first spotted her on a train returning from Aguascalientes, the springboard to Machu Pichu. I saw her in my rail car; we made eye-contact, and I was smitten immediately. Leila was in her 20s, full-figured, with a pretty face, short, black hair, and gobsmacking smile. We got to talking in Spanish. I gathered she was married to an officer in the national police force, a man she did not particularly like. She had two kids, one of whom was grasping onto her skirts as we talked. Leila offered to show me her city the next day.

We rendezvoused on the site of the ancient palace of the Inca. Leila showed me how to slither through narrow, polished tunnels cut into the rocks. These had been used by the Inca as escape routes. We examined some of the gigantic boulders stacked so that not even a razor blade could be inserted between them. Thereafter, we had lunch, during which she assured me her cooking beat the so-so meal we were eating. All the while, though, her daughter eyed me with suspicion, no doubt wondering if I would be replacing daddy. It was an uncomfortable situation.

Later, we stopped by a poor little café run by Leila’s father, an emaciated, sweet man in a crumpled suit and fogged up glasses. She introduced me to her step-mother, an elderly native woman, and several brothers and sisters, each of them genetically different; one was dark, another light and blonde, while others looked authentically Incan. This was the legacy of Spanish colonialism. Everyone found this mix amusing. For me it was a welcomed revelation. Momentarily, I imagined myself part of this happy crew. We could have made a go of the café using what capital I had. Of course, Leila would have to dump her cop husband, which could have been tricky, and I’d have to win over the hostile daughter. However, once back in my hotel room, contemplating my options, I thought better of it.

Machu Picchu was kept for last. En route to Cuzco, I had seen so many adverts for the place that I developed a loathing for the very thought of it. Gringos were hiking an Incan trail to the place, climbing up the side of the mountain to get to it – when there is a bus. Any and every path seemed to lead to the place that was supposed to be hidden and safe from prying eyes. Still, I went, taking the Indian train to Aguascalientes where I spent the night. I got up in the faint morning light to walk along the train tracks to the foot of the mountain on top of which the city waited. I was young and strong enough – despite being ill – to climb up to the very top where, surprisingly, I found a hotel.

Disappointed at first, I paid for an admissions ticket, went through a turn style and was in the lost city. The sun had appeared. The valley below, with the Urubamba river veining through it, was still obscured by a thick mist. But, as the sun gathered strength, moment by moment, the mist lifted like a veil, dramatically revealing a vista of mountain tops. Stone house walls without roofs appeared. There were stone pathways and wide terraces for growing corn. In close proximity was Winu Picchu, whose wet and dangerous stone stairs I climbed for a view of the entire canvass. (Today, you need a permit to climb Winu. Back then, I was one of a few travelers to be there at that time of day, for which I remain grateful.)

I recall attending a party in Lima but don’t remember how I’d been invited. (Things like that used to happen to me in those days.) It took place in a middle-class home, an elderly house with large, bare rooms and high ceilings. The guests were all teenagers. We drank, danced, and had a great time. At some point, I met the owner of the home. On hearing how I was travelling in South America, he offered to show me a special room down the hall. When he turned on the lights, I saw that the room had pages of popular magazines, like Life and Paris Match, pasted on the walls and ceiling so that no matter in which direction you turned, you’d see London, Paris, Rome, Berlin, Tokyo, New York City – places he would have liked to visit if he had the means. He stood in the middle of an otherwise bare space, with arms out like the master of the world.

I also recall meeting an American adventurer who was kicking around Latin America as though he had nothing better to do, which was common of the travelers I encountered. Louis liked to drink. We went to a bar that happened to have a brothel in the basement, although I was unaware of it. As we were having beers, a young woman tapped me on the shoulder, asking me to dance. She was pretty, wearing a long, formal gown. “Don’t!” warned Louis. “She just wants your money.” But I took the woman in my arms and off we twirled around a small dance floor. I noticed another couple dancing, the man with his hands on the girl’s bottom, which surprised me. I suspected something was up when my dance partner inserted a leg between mine, contacting my groin. Oh. Oh, I thought. This was a clumsy attempt at seduction. When the music stopped, she me to buy her a drink.

“She’s going to order vodka, but there’ll be only water in the glass,” Louis said, apparently from experience. “Watch it.” The woman continued making eyes at me. I asked her for a price, which translated to thirty dollars, a lot at the time. When I tried to convince her to meet me the next day around the corner of the bar for half the price, she seemed to agree, but the bartender had been listening. When I came by the place the next day, the barman said she wasn’t there. However, I caught a glimpse of her in a diaphanous gown at the foot of the basement stairs – an angelic vison. I wanted to save her, but I felt like a fool and left, sadder but possibly a bit wiser.

Many years later, I returned to the Andes. I found Quito transformed – much cleaner, more prosperous, with people looking healthier than I had known them to be. There were many children, young parents, and elderly people enjoying the square in front of the national palace. Boot cleaners were still in force, as were ice cream sellers and hat vendors. There was a small student demonstration with a few police officers watching, otherwise no official force in sight. I did not go to Peru or Colombia, although I understood that life there had improved as well. You can’t re-experience what is past, so I might skip Peru, but then there still is Bolivia, Chile, Argentina, and Brazil.

Why War Is So Satisfying

November 6, 2019

Writing as one having experienced both the wonderful and the not-so wonderful offerings of life, I want to reflect on what I have learned about the complex dynamics of armed conflict. I come from a people who have experienced many wars, each more gruesome than the last. But all humans have folk-histories comprised of hatreds, a sense of entitlement, and a sense of having been wronged — enough of it to go to war every couple of generations, almost as if the reality of military conflict somehow escaped the imagination.

Men go to war to experience the camaraderie and ethnic solidarity that tells them they are included in the tribe. In Ethiopia, I heard say that war is something men look forward to. They couldn’t wait to settle scores with the Eritreans. And, had I been in Eritrea, I’m sure I would have heard the same: war “ennobles” men, it gives them their identity as heroes, and so on. It seems that participation in battle has always been natural to men. As for what women thought about losing husbands and sons, this never seemed to matter much.  Their job was to breed more combatants.

In Colombia, I learned of the period (1948-1958) referred to as “La Violencia,” a decade of Colombians murdering each other along political-party lines, much as if American Democrats and Republicans had decided to wipe each other out.  From other Latins, I heard that Colombians generally were “mala gente,” bad people prone to violence, although the Colombians I met were peaceful enough. However, in the minds of other Latin Americans, violence became synonymous with Columbia, though history shows there has been plenty of murder and mayhem to go around.

In West Berlin I could walk along the infamous Wall. This was a scar separating a nation that had taken ages to unite. German lands had been invaded by Napoleon, then later unified by blood and steel against the French. German unification eventually figured into world-wars which tore the country in two, with ethnic Germans isolated in pockets in the East, all the way into Russia. And this, of course, without going into preceding centuries of conflict along religious affiliation, Protestant versus Catholic for thirty years of madness. A glimpse into the history of mankind will reveal man killing man, man enslaving women and children, man laying waste to homes and crops — unleashing the devil.

War is an insanity dressed up in patriotic song and ceremony as though no one were really harmed in its wake. Perhaps this form of mega-violence has genetic origins. It weeds some people out while strengthening the most resilient. Perhaps it’s a result of greed and opportunity to get what the neighbors have. It always seems to benefit industry. People have made money on war and are still doing so. It has brought fortunes to money lenders, wealth to weapons manufacturers, the suppliers of leather, gunpowder, steel, all the stuff soldiers need to perform their butchery. Whatever the factors involved, war has been part of the order of our makeup.

Once all sides of a major conflict have had enough, they want to “go home,” to live out their days in peace recalling their time as a “band of brothers” living in ditches or deserts; they recall the “great guys” they met and related to. I heard this from my own father who had fought against the Russians — what great friends the guys from Berlin were. It seems that only war can bring men together in a common experience which forges tribal bonds through blood sacrifice.

Recently, I watched a documentary in which ex-jihadis in the UK were interviewed to find out what motivated them to go killing people in far away places. Redress for feelings of rejection and inferiority, and a lack of identity were commonly mentioned. So was venting one’s anger. But there also was the experience of fraternity with like-minded souls being part of something “big.” Losers back home were transformed into heroes in battles abroad. No one could doubt the masculinity of a man scarred by battle. Battle defines men as winners.

I also recall going through old photographs showing a world in black and white, with young men — some mere teenagers — in uniform, looking purposeful and eager to prove themselves. Their time in the military, whether they saw “action” or found themselves driving a truck, provided an opportunity to prove themselves as members of society. It validated one’s way of life, values literally worth dying for, and an ideology of which most were only marginally aware. Serving in a war, in whatever post, is a rite of passage into the tribe. It gives one the right to say: “I fought for my county. I belong. What did you do?”

French Soldiers, WWI. (Not my photo.)

Killing fields have always been the testing grounds on which men encountered themselves, the venues where they found an identity, for better or worse. Some have come home with medals that they hid in drawers out of shame at having won an award which they felt they did not deserve. Such men think of themselves as imposters. But they learn to play the game, salute the flag, go along with the big deception, while feeling disgrace for having committed murder. I suspect there are many who feel this way. Others may actually believe they deserve recognition for having stuck bayonets into other human beings. Only they know what they did.

Most don’t understand how they are being used by those who would never dream of sending their own flesh-and-blood to die on muddy battlefields. You don’t usually find the offspring of the rich and powerful on the front lines, even if they are in uniform – not while Dad is making money manufacturing ammunition or promoting the war effort. And this is one reason why armed conflicts continue. The attraction of war remains; the reality of it escapes the mind. The fact that it is all a big racket doesn’t seem to register among the patriotic hoopla.

It’s unfortunate that men haven’t gotten beyond the rite of battle to feel virile members of the tribe. Even the natives of the Americas still pride themselves on being called “warriors” or “braves,” as though they were about to emerge from their tepees to confront General Custer. This notion that manhood can be claimed only by maiming others or killing them outright surely is out of date. Yet it lingers. But things have changed somewhat.

It seems some of those “pilots” who “fly” drones over enemy territory, looking for “bad guys,” then machine-gunning them en masse, are having difficulty convincing themselves of their heroic status. There is no physical danger in using a computer console to puncture bodies, explode vehicles and level homes. The fact that there are consequences in the real world is known. It is also known that innocents are part of the carnage. When soldiers normally kill, it is in a chaotic frenzy of kill-or-be-killed, a struggle for survival followed by the relief of having endured. Having survived the trial of fire provides justification for having committed murder. But this is not the case with drone pilots. They sit in a safe, comfortable place, tens of thousands of miles from the kill zone, holding lives at the mercy of their joysticks. They can wipe out a clan of bad guys, then go home to their families for dinner.

Yet the fraud of what they are doing, the false heroism, seems a betrayal of what warfare has meant for thousands of years. There is no physical test of resilience involved. No test of manhood. So, modern warfare has become purely impersonal, a non-experience of what should be a trial of resolve, courage, camaraderie. But it has nothing to do with the “true grit” of warfare. Modern war no longer provides the test men had been expecting for generations. And so, it fails to serve its timeless purpose.

 It seems men will have to invent new ways to “test their metal.” Perhaps through sports, extreme contests of endurance and the like, shared with the masses via broadcasts and social media participation. If so, this could be a step forward in our cultural evolution. But not all societies evolve along the same lines at the same time. There will remain areas where throwing rocks and launching rockets as rites of passage continues. While one segment of the world enjoys battle-action virtually, others will prefer the real thing, avenging old wrongs and creating new reasons to kill. But with the march of progress, eventually even these will be sitting in front of their plasma screens cheering each murder while snacking on potato chips.   

Part II – War

Since posting the above, it has been pointed out to me that there are men who go to war without wanting to. They are drafted. Granted. But that alone doesn’t explain what was attractive about the experience or why warfare continues to hold some fascination for men. It doesn’t explain any of the feelings involved, like feeling useful, feelings of belonging, or conforming to expectations; the test battle presents, and the relief of survival. Of course, there are economic, historic, ideological, and material reasons as well. Wars have changed borders; given men the opportunity to advance in society, gain power, prestige, and wealth. Or a boost to the ego. Wars have provided game-changing opportunities to further one’s life or end it.

Many on the Allied side of WWI came from boring lives in factories and isolated farms. They volunteered to go to Europe to fight in what they thought were glorious circumstances. In the previous centuries, battles like those at Waterloo were spectacles attended by citizens watching from the hills as though at a racetrack. Other wars involved the citizens as booty; the losers were put to the sword en masse or enslaved for the rest of their lives. Children born to them were born into slavery. Land traded sides. The winner’s fortunes rose with taxes they could collect and the booty in their storerooms, not to mention the added prestige. Egotism has always been a key reason for leaders to go to war.

If they were on the losing side, life became less pleasant. They were forced to pay tribute in perpetuity. They had to bow down to the winners, were humiliated in public, had their sons drafted into the winner’s armies, their girls sold into slavery or worse. Women have always been among the spoils of war. They remain so today, as the example of ISIS amply demonstrates. The losers also give up territory. Empires disintegrate when wars are lost. Ask the Incas and the Aztecs, the Byzantines, or the Arabs. Or any of the tribes of North America. The losers suffer or are put on trial for crimes while the winners pin medals on each other. You lose; you pay.

God is on our side is a claim always made in wars, at least until now. Islam and Christianity have been at each others’ throats for 1,400 years of almost continuous warfare. And when they were not fighting each other, they warred cousin vs. cousin, brother against brother, tribe against tribe. Why? Words like “glory,” come to mind – whatever that means. “Sacrifice” is another common cliché for those who fell in the First World War. “They died so that we may live.” Really? Was the Kaiser going to come to the USA, Canada, New Zealand, to invade our homes if he had won against Britain? Is that why a generation of the British Empire sent its young, bright men to the slaughter? Or was it that they didn’t appreciate times had changed and so had notions of “honour” and “glory?”

It is said that Manfred von Richthofen, the young German “Red Baron,” came to appreciate how inglorious the battle in the trenches was by visiting a hospital for regular ground troops. He usually saw them from the air, but he hadn’t seen them bleed, hadn’t smelled the rotting flesh or the stink of battle. Still, he continued until he met his Heldentod, his heroic death. In his own mind, and in those of his contemporaries, air combat was romantic, a leftover notion of the 19th century, while technology had put the tank and the gas canister into the field.

World War I changed our image of war, although the American Civil War should have done so because it was well documented. Wars have many “causes” that escape the usual analyses – economic, ideological, and so on. Wars are engendered by feelings of having been slighted, having lost one’s honour, or needing to feel better about oneself by getting revenge. These sentiments are usually born at the top. There are leaders to tell us that we are disrespected, that we need to regain face, to be men again for losers are no longer “men.” They are losers.

Self-respect is a prime reason to go to war, especially for those with tribal mentalities – people who haven’t had an atom bomb dropped on them or have had territory seized and been made to pay. Respect comes through emerging victorious on the field of battle, even if you lose the war. Having lost in Vietnam, Americans find solace in stories that celebrate the “band of brothers.” Men fought for those next to them in the jungle as they never did understand why they were in Vietnam to begin with. As for their leaders, those in the White House, they went to war to retain the global prestige that was being eaten away by communism. They were losing market share. For their part, the Vietnamese fought to be rid of colonial masters. They were tired of outsiders telling them what to do.

Even with the invention of the camera, wars have always been viewed in sanitized fashion. The blood, the spilled guts, the burned bodies – the ignominies that the flesh is prone to – is seldom experienced unless we are on the battlefield. Then the spell of “glory” is gone. But the audience for whom soldiers fight don’t experience any of it first-hand. If they did, it would drive them mad especially when, following a disastrous war, the enemy becomes one’s friend, one’s trading partner, one’s banker, or even one’s leader in a new game. Then you really have to wonder why you were fighting in the first place. It seems we resort to war because we always have done so and, as a species, we can’t seem to break out of the box.

The Man Who Was Going to Die

September 28, 2019

They called him “the man who’s going to die,” but in Spanish, and with a sense of Mexican fatalism.

The old man was tall, his eyes unfocused in an unshaven face, with sunken cheeks, and a tussle of translucent hair that gave him a saint’s aura. He might have been handsome once but now his trousers hung on his hips like a clown’s, descending out of reach. Everything about him seemed inevitable as he propped himself against a wall, apparently too stupefied to get out of the sun. Harding recognized something in the man from the moment he spotted him, but he couldn’t quite say what.

“He’s always there. He’s going to die one day,” said Bonita, Harding’s lover.

***************************

Through the open hotel window, they could hear Volkswagen taxis crawling up and down narrow streets, a mediocre mariachi band in the distance. A breeze filled curtains in colonial windows. Bonita was on the bed, idly regarding the ceiling as Harding unpacked a small suitcase.

“The dogs will be howling tonight,” he ventured.

“You gringos. Always noticing the negative. Harding, you are an asshole.” She smiled as she spoke, adding: “Why me? Why do I have to fall in love wit’ you?”

She had an accent that never failed to charm him. “I love the way you talk,” he said.

“Fuck you,” she responded in a good-humored way.

Bonita had been the mistress of a Mexican political leader, someone who had adored her, but she had left out of boredom and had taken up with Harding. Harding picked up his camera to take some pictures of her. “For posterity,” he explained.

“Poor me. You’ll put me in an album, add me to your collection,” she lamented.

“There is no collection. I want to record you the way you are now because your youth won’t last. Count on it.”

“You talk like an old man, but you’re younger than my father.”

“Is that why you’re with me?”

“I’m wit’ you because I love you,” she replied with a sigh.

The night before, they had been in a high-ceilinged cantina, a rundown place reverberating with the clatter of dominoes hitting wooden tables; a cranky fan trying to pump thick air outside. The place had walls that hadn’t seen paint since Castro and the boys stepped through the swinging doors in the fifties. Men in crumpled business suits and loosened ties were socializing after work, becoming more vocal with each round of drinks. They jabbed fingers into the air to make a point, having to yell to drown out the noise of rush-hour traffic.

The only female in the bar, Bonita, had tossed back shot glasses of tequila like a man, much to Harding’s amazement. “I once came here with one of my boy friends,” she had explained, but she didn’t follow this up for Harding didn’t want to know about the others. She knew where to draw the line with men.

He recalled being atop one of the pyramids at Teotihuacan, climbing sideways as the steps were too narrow for a straight ascent. Once on top, he and Bonita had raised their arms to heaven and had looked over the dried-out valley with its giant cacti and distant rolling hills. Bonita wanted to make love where the Aztecs had torn the hearts out of human beings. It was a spiritual thing, she insisted, but he found it too morbid. Besides, tourists were beginning to appear, and eyes were everywhere.

“I’m wit’ you, and you only,” she repeated, her coal black eyes on him.

***************************

The next morning birds were chirping, cocks crowing, and then the beetle taxis resumed their toil up and down the narrow streets. People with portfolios appeared; neatly uniformed school children walked with school bags on their backs. The sun was just rising over the hills in the distance. It would be another scorching day.

“When do you want sex, before or after breakfast?” asked Harding.

“What do you think?” Bonita laughed from bed. “Both.”

That morning they strolled past jewelry shops but bought nothing. She did not expect presents because, as she never tired of telling him, she loved Harding. She said it half a dozen times a day, usually after sex – which she seemed never to get enough of. But he offered no assurances. Nothing in life was permanent.

“I’m a romantic,” she lamented. “Poor me. I have to suffer. Why don’ you luv me?”

She said she wanted to bear his children, wanted to be with him forever. He responded, saying it would be a sin to bring children into such a corrupt country as Mexico, a land she had sworn never to leave, while he maintained he could not live in such a place. “Poor me,” she repeated from under her short-cropped hair. But then she wanted breakfast.

They drove on a newly-paved highway to Ixtalpan – she curled up in her seat, looking at him: “I won’ wait for you, you know. I’ve waited for years.”

“You’ve waited two years. And now I’m here…” he ventured, knowing this was not the answer she wanted. There would never be a satisfactory response. “I’m not the type to get married. You knew that when we met. I need to move around.”

Entering Ixtalpan, there were farmers in straw hats working in parched fields, cobble-stoned streets and colonial buildings. They checked into another hotel. Bonita wanted to swim.

In the pool, her small brown body propelled itself back and forth with a barracuda’s precision, slicing through the water effortlessly – a fascinating creature. He noticed a little movement right in Bonita’s wake – a creature struggling to stay afloat. Harding got out his pen to raise the butterfly onto the pool’s edge. Saved for now, he thought.

***************************

Bonita and Harding were in a thermal spa in a marbled room with massage tables and a tub of steaming mineral water.

“My communist boyfriend used to bring me here,” Bonita said.

“To hell with him,” replied Harding. “You’re here with me now. Stop trying to make me jealous. It wont work.”

“Si fascista,” she replied, grinning triumphantly.

The hot tub was surrounded by dusty plastic flowers; above loomed a domed-ceiling decorated with clouds and cherubs. There was soft music playing. It was some drug lord’s idea of paradise.

After adventures in the baths, they left to inspect a dilapidated chapel. With Saint Mary and a dejected Jesus looking on, Harding ordered Bonita to lift up her tee shirt. She easily complied. Bonita had no shame, or was it all guile? He didn’t know which. Click. Click. He took a couple of pictures.

“Immortalized,” he exclaimed. “You’re absolutely beautiful.”

He drove out of town while Bonita sang “I was born to love you…,” over and over again, but she had forgotten the lyrics. A moment later, he missed a turn in the main road and ended up on a dirt path deeply trenched from earlier rainfalls. He was curious where the path would lead, so he kept driving. But then Bonita fell silent. There was cause for concern.

They drove into a bright village square – no soul in sight. He halted. They would have to ask for directions back to the city, but it was siesta time.

A bell began clanging in a church tower. From one of the narrow lanes emerged a procession of peasants carrying a coffin on their shoulders. Men and women, young and old, all with heads bowed, shuffled in the direction of the car. On approach, they parted, streaming around the vehicle like water circumventing a rock. No one looked at the couple in the car; no one made a sound. In the rear-view mirror, Harding noted the procession disappearing over a rise in the fields.

“What was that?” he asked.

“Funeral,” she replied. “Mala suerte. Let’s get out of here.”

***************************

By late afternoon, they were back in the capital, juggling for space in traffic. Harding nearly struck a bus, then suggested Bonita take the wheel. She steered the vehicle effortlessly around cars, between buses, past trucks, negotiating a path. Remarkable, thought Harding.

They were where they had begun, at Bonita’s home. Bonita lay on her bed, one hand between her legs, the other supporting her neck as she sang: “There ain’t no cure for love…,” a tune to which she knew the words. She rocked gently as she sang. As she ended, she folded herself into a fetal position.

“You’re supposed to be a Communist, but like all Mexicans, you’re a martyr to suffering,” he observed.

In the soft light of the evening a tenderness came over him. I’ve been too hard on her, he thought. He wanted to make her happy, but he was too much of a pessimist for the full catastrophe, as someone had called it. Life was too short.

“I’m three years older than when we met. When you seduced me,” she said, in mock accusation.

He watched her, wondering whether her mood would change. It was her birthday, so there would be a party that evening. She had been looking forward to it.

***************************

As the fiesta got under way, she seemed to be enjoying herself. A drink in hand, she fluttered from one group of guest to another, exchanging air kisses here and there, but always with an eye on Harding. When he seemed to take an interest in a female guest, she scowled. She came to him, pulled on his shirt, and lamented he was ignoring her. Then she kissed him full on the lips as though claiming him for herself.

They danced together but Harding felt awkwardly on display, aware she was trying to manipulate him. She tossed back glass after glass of rum and then meandered among her friends, laughing and taking sips out of their drinks as she went.

By two in the morning, Bonita said she was ready for bed, yet she was not ready to sleep. Instead, she had a sly look that said: “I want it now….”

“You know, you’re a nymphomaniac,” he said seriously.

“No!” she retorted.

“Three, four times a day; isn’t that a bit unusual?”

“Not in Mexico,” she replied.

Then she tried another tack: “If you don’ wan’ me, there’s always Bill.” (She pronounced this as Beel.)

Beel. What Beel? What is that, some kind of insect?”

“Ah, Beel is a man in California. He wants me to come live wit’ him.”

“So, you love this Beel?”

“No, I love you. Only you have a place in my heart.”

Harding was stunned. He had thought he was the only man in her life.

There was a note of triumph in her voice as she added: “I’ve waited long enough for you. I’m not goin’ to wait longer.” She seemed serious. The game was up. She was waiting for a reply.

Yes, I’ll marry her, he thought. But she’s hidden this Bill from me. Instead of responding, he went to the window and parted the curtains to look into the dark street. He was about to say something when, across the road, under a streetlight, he saw a dog nudging a bundle of rags by the wall. Harding strained his eyes to make out what it was. It wasn’t rags. It was the old man he’d seen earlier. Harding turned to look at Bonita, a dark shadow in the darkened room. “The old man is dead,” he murmured.

Cool Breezes

September 18, 2019

As cool breezes reveal silver undersides

Of leaves, and goldenrod begins to burnish,

Monarchs gather nectar, suckling droves on bushes;

Yellowing corn tips stand man-high

Ready for the farmer’s combine.

It’s only September I protest,

Hurrying past shocking yellow fields,

Hurrying lest it all become

Too much.

Walk to the End of the Pier

September 11, 2019

There’s a green lamp end
Of the pier — beckoning:
Come, come to the end.
Walk on my chipped face;
Wind-swept, rain-eaten,
Frozen, thawed raw.
Many have trodden me
To the end.
Ignore dropping birds,
Stupid seagulls, wary ducks.
Walk  in the day breeze.
Let it ruffle your hair,
Let it play with your face
Till sundown. Stay.
Walk to the end of the pier.

Forest Attrocities

August 31, 2019

In the silent Canadian forest

Swamp water atrocities are in swing;

Fish eat flies; otters eat fish,

A million things scream

Bloody murder.

The night comes, the carnage continues

Watched over by moon and stars

That commit their own apocalypse.

And we drive by at 100 k/hr.

Concerned over our next gas station

For we are running low.

The Traveling Companion

August 17, 2019

Early on the trip, Eleanor announced she was going to lose 20 kilos of her bulk, but then she ordered a huge bowl of meat stew with fries on the side. When Harry pointed out that this wasn’t going to help her lose weight, she poked at the food, then abandoned it altogether. She scowled on the way back to the holiday villa and gave Harry the silent treatment for the rest of the evening.

Next day, Eleanor talked about going into town for pizza, but didn’t do so. She had said she was an experienced solo traveller, in her sixties, fit and able to entertain herself. However, she constantly expected her travel companion to join in what she wanted to do which, inevitably, included “meandering” along a beach comprised of black clay and strewn garbage. The country wasn’t what it seemed to be on the internet.

She boasted about her Spanish, but when it came to saying something, the words seemed stuck in her throat. She looked with disapproval when Harry watched Spanish news or listened to local music (which grated on her nerves). She said: “I don’t want to know what’s going on, in the world.” Instead, she immersed herself in a thick book, shutting off all communication. They might have seemed like a long-married couple but had met just a few weeks ago on a travel-companion site for seniors.

She had her own bedroom. Getting up in the mornings, she would make coffee but left barely leave enough for Harry. However, she did manage a “Good morning” before disappearing into her book. This became routine.

One day, on a local bus, when an attendant came by to shut the windows due to an impending downpour, she insisted on keeping it open, for “fresh air,” as she said — irrespective of what other passengers might have wanted. When the rain started flying in, she shut it herself, miffed at having been proven wrong.

Eleanor said she loved walking in the rain, claiming “A little rain wont hurt.” But once it poured, she meekly accepted a plastic poncho; then she hunted around for an umbrella but wouldn’t buy one, insisting they were too expensive. Her default attitude was disapproval of her travel partner; it was in her tone of voice and in the look on her face.

On another day, she had gone on a river boat-trip while Harry stayed home. When she returned in the evening, she showed him images on her cell phone – barely discernible crocodiles and birds taken at a great distance in the bush.  “That’s a cockatoo or something like it. Maybe a mina bird or a papagayo … anyway, some kind of bird.” The river water was a dirty brown, and there had been a myriad of mosquitoes and leeches. Harry was glad he remained at home. He didn’t want to contract dengue.

Five million kilometres from planet Earth, a man-made satellite was descending to the surface of a meteor travelling at 135 thousand miles per hour, its mothership orbiting protectively in the dark infinity above. Its mission: to find clues to the origin of human life, to fill in the big picture as to who humankind is and what our purpose might be. As this historic event was in progress, back on the ground, humans scrambled for food and shelter, reproduced, murdered each other, or had sex to escape the emptiness of their lives, as ignorant and fearful as the day they were born.

The sun was just poking its head through the clouds hanging over nearby hills as a grounds keeper, going about his endless routine, spotted what he thought was an inflatable raft in the pool, the kind children like to play on while their parents are busy having gin and tonics on the patio. But it wasn’t a raft. It was an expansive woman floating face down, seemingly studying the bottom of the pool, arms out at her sides, perfectly still, except for a bit of wavy motion from a little bit of skirt on her pink bathing costume. When she did not respond to his calls, the man prodded her back with a long pole used to skim leaves off the water.

“Muerta?” he inquired, squinting against the sun’s reflection. He sighed as he took out his cell phone to call the resort manager. It was going be a long, difficult day. The police would come, and who knows how long they would take. He had work to do before it got unbearably hot, but it would not get done today.

Harry was asleep as Eleanor’s body bobbed gently in the pool. It was past nine in the morning when he rubbed his eyes, yawned, and wondered what to do with the day. He and Eleanor had jointly rented a casita in a so-called “luxury” compound. The price was reasonable, but there was dengue in the area, and this had cleared out a few of the villas. Some guests had gone home after lengthy hospital stays. Now there was a body floating in the pool.

“Don’t touch the body,” the man was saying as the manager of the compound arrived, holding a hand before her mouth. “Santa Maria….” Harry was summoned. He came to the pool wearing a pair of shorts and clutching a cup of coffee. “Jesus. Is that Eleanor?” is all he managed to say.

Harry took a bus to the capital. He stayed in a small hotel, mostly used by backpackers, but offering private rooms at a reasonable price. The staff was friendly and spoke English. He spent his days wandering the grand shopping Avenida Central, with its small shops and eateries. He noted how people were well-dressed, although many of the women had fat bottoms packaged in tightly fitting jeans or micro-mini skirts bordering on the vulgar. Maybe the ladies are desperate to attract mates, he thought. But there was rice and beans, beer, white bread, and fried food, so what could you expect? KFC was making its entrance into the country, undermining an otherwise healthy life.

He sat at the picture window of the KFC, staring at the traffic. The afternoon rain had just started. People were scurrying for cover. For a second, he thought of the satellite descending onto the meteor, and he recalled Eleanor without an umbrella at the city’s market. Silly cow, he thought. Then it poured and poured.

At Sea or Eternity

August 4, 2019

You see them long before the slackers get up for breakfast. They sit at their tables, safely removed from the few solitary others who stare out to sea as though awaiting salvation. They find only a bank of white clouds tinged with the creamy orange of the rising sun, the waves endless as the sea is deep below the ship, far deeper than the minds that contemplate the suffering of their individual existence.

A part of each soul wants to reach out to others even if only to say Good morning, but is the morning good, and what horrors will the sunlight bring? Each soul longs to flee back to its cabin, back into the reassuring solitude of the mind. Someone once compared ships passing each other in the night, affording but a momentary glimpse, perhaps a minute smile or momentary hand gesture of recognition, but perhaps submarines passing in darkness might be a more appropriate metaphor.

This first morning at sea, you spot a woman in the cafeteria sitting at a table, facing the wall, apparently waiting for the place to open at 6:30, as advertised. You wonder why she isn’t facing the expanse of  tables and chairs, empty except for a couple of late-night stragglers or insomniacs, or possible early-risers. She has a haunted profile. A bulky male stares ahead of himself, unacknowledging the few others – a solo traveler perhaps, one believing himself on the Love Boat instead of the Ship of Fools. Who can tell?

There is a gentle swaying of the vessel that reminds passengers they are suspended over the abyss that is democratic in the fate it could mete out to one and all should anything go wrong, but then, everyone and everything is insured by Lloyd’s of London, so nothing to worry about save for a terrorist attack, but even that is not a likelihood despite the one veiled passenger among the guests.

Yes, there is a veiled woman on board, a believer from the look of things, but who can tell. She might be an atheist or famous personality doing her utmost to remain anonymous. Spotted among those boarding, she was not in black but more fashionably in white, accompanied by a male who defiantly stomped by without making eye-contact, announcing his presence to all but the deaf and blind. But they might not be seen again unless in the chow line at lunch. The captain of the ship also had made an appearance – in full uniform and smiling, he seemed to say: “No worries folks. I wont dash you against the rocks just for a chance to wave to my mother.”

Once farther from land, TV channels remain frozen in time as though the world had ended but the  shadows of life remained: newscasters, from the waist up, staring at the viewers as if they could see them, as if they’d just announced Armageddon, and then it came to pass without further ado. They look a little sad for they are young: a man wearing heavy-rimmed glasses and a pretty female all in fashionable black with white trim, as though for a funeral. Their hands are out of sight, in their laps like good boys and girls fulfilling their assigned duties. And now they are but pixelated ghosts trapped on the screen.

The cruise ship is a modest version of Las Vegas. It has a pool, a Jacuzzi, running track, shuffle boards, and a giant chess board, along with many restaurants and entertainment venues to make passengers forget they are suspended with a thousand feet of hell underneath. Yet, there are few places for quiet contemplation onboard unless it’s the small library or some pocket below the waterline, out of bounds to guests. Just as in life on shore, life on board is meant to keep you dancing and eating. No thinking allowed. This is the American Dream and, from the many ex-colonials on board, the attraction of the West seems to have taken root: a far distraction from the war and pestilence back home.

There are interpersonal dynamics to be observed in chance shipboard encounters. For instance, take the two diminutive women noted entering an elevator: “Oh. Are you going down?” someone asks. “No. No. We are going up. Are you going up?” “No. Down. We’re going down. Yes, down.” “OK. Bye then.” “Bye.” “Have a good day.” The meeting of worlds. Or, consider the elderly couple encountered earlier at the elevators: “Good morning.” (Silence.) “Ahem… Going up, are we?” “You might be. We’re not.” (Oh. Oh. Got up on the wrong side of the bed, did we? Come into the elevator with me and I’ll crush both your skulls against the walls and leave you bleeding ….) “Well, have a good morning.”

In the elevator, someone says: “The ship is underway. I can feel it. We’re at sea. Nothing around for miles and miles.” “But,” says a companion, “I thought we’d be in port longer. I’m so disoriented. It’s confusing.” They need to be reassured, so they say something wholly unnecessary to call you out. And most of the time it works.

The hardest part for a solitary mind is finding a place to read. The library is small and only momentarily of interest, not hospitable enough to find a book and spend some time in. If there is a patron in there, it is probably not a social mixer. People pass by in the corridor, peeking through the glass doors at those who can read. “Mom. What are those people doing?” “Reading, dear. Come along to the pool.” Maybe Mom thinks: I hope you don’t end up like that.

While downing a beer later in the day, a novel concept comes to mind: a cruise for the elderly called Eternity. It would be an end-of-life tour lasting up to six months and costing all of your savings, but it would be to all the places you would otherwise never see, North and South Poles included. There would be geriatric doctors and nurses on board and undertakers ready to perform your burial at sea: go deep-six with bagpipes and a sailors’ salute. Cremation in the boiler room for a bit more, ashes scattered to the wind off Tierra del Fuego, ship’s horn blasting. There would be farewell parties with song and dance and all the free booze guests could drink. There could even be an assisted suicide option, leaving this world in the arms of loved ones on your last and best trip.

There is an almost childish enthusiasm for land tours, a ripple of self-indulgence that sweeps the decks once the ship enters a foreign harbour. People begin to babble about where they are off to. “Are you going ashore?” someone asks. “No. I’m still jet lagged from my flight. I may stay at the pool doing some reading.” It is hard to avoid the looks asking why you are not going ashore. Maybe you are suspect. The Customs people are waiting for you, handcuffs ready. Or you are just too cheap to fork out the extra $150 for three hours riding a bus over a landscape much like the one you left back home. Some passengers slink on deck avoiding such encounters. You may have seen one after breakfast: “Hey, isn’t that the guy we saw last night at the late dinner? You know, the loner with the gimp leg?” “Yeah. You’re right. Don’t look. Let’s pretend we didn’t see him.”

Like trapped in a canyon, the ship has docked in a fiord: high cliff walls throwing a shadow over the ship and a small settlement accessible only by sea. The water is mineral-heavy, uninvitingly murky. The decks are empty, yet it is warm enough to read outside. The peace is welcomed. An American couple of females, met last night, come by. They are going ashore and wonder why you aren’t. “Too tired. Jet-lagged,” you reply. They nod knowingly.

They are a lesbian pair, one much older than the other, both rather butch. They say they are Trinidadian-American but identify as “Black.” You would have liked to ask why black rather than Brown, or is brown not an option? It’s either Black or White, oppressed or oppressor. You are tempted to say you are not white but pink, yet Pink doesn’t seem a choice either, so colour-conscious the world has become.

Later that evening, when all is safely aboard, dinner over, and most souls are in bed, you head up to the 8th deck to an all-night eatery where you can get a Reuben sandwich. There are a few stragglers from the disco at a booth, party animals going to seed. One of the ladies is goading the lone waiter, a young Indian weighing all of 110 LBS.: “You look just like a guy I once dated. Really. Alice, doesn’t he look like him, what-was-his-name? You know, the guy I dated.” She can’t, for-the-love-of-god, recall the name. The ladies are soused. One can’t find the key to her booze card. The waiter has to scour under the tables for it. Last call already came from the bar but no key-card, no credit, no way to pay for her margaritas. Having wolfed down your sandwich, you leave for top deck.

From deck 13, you see cleaners scouring the running track and pool area of the deck below, music playing softly from some hidden speakers. It is totally dark out at sea, with intermittent flashes of light from the Norwegian shore as though looking for signs of life. You feel like calling out but are afraid there could be a response. “Hellooo. Hellooo.” “Hello … Hello … Why don’t you jump? Jump. Jump….”

Thoughts on a Hot Evening

July 11, 2019

What a drag it is getting old. Do you remember those lines from a Stones song? They’ve stuck in my mind since hearing them at age 17 or so. I always hoped to avoid drags, and there were lots of them. The drag of high school, with its little cliques and favourites and gorgeous ones and then the rest. I always felt out of it: out of the whole scene. And the drag of home, with Ma and Pa Kettle watching TV and watering the fucking lawn, mowing the grass, going shopping Friday night. At times I thought I’d scream or burn the house down. The city was a drag on Sundays. I remember running into one of our Art teachers at Central. He was wandering downtown, with most of everything closed, and the movies not open. He seemed a lost soul from Europe where, surely, the action was. But that’s before I ever went to Europe to see for myself. It’s no better; just a bit prettier in places, and the wine has fewer additives. And there’s more of it. As for the Art teacher, I found myself turning into him.

What a drag it is getting old means more now that I appreciate the significance of those lines. Of course, they’d mean something slightly different for each of us as we all inhabit our own hell. For women it means getting a dog (or cat) — something to hold meaningful conversations with, a little four-legged friend and entertainer to pat on the head. It means going for coffee where other older ladies sit and chat, always on the lookout for Mr. Right whom they’ll never meet. They have forgotten what it is he’s supposed to be right for. Could be he came and went while they were in the WC, or he just passed by without gaining attention — sort of like the Invisible Man.

As for men, they look at the old lady and wonder what happened. Where did that cute girl with the slim waist and great legs go, the girl they loved to hear laughing? When did she turn so bitter? She had a career. She said she was satisfied. She got her house, her own car, her children, her vacations. She had friends — although they’re starting to disappear, and the ones left behind are a bit stale for conversation. No new observations, insights, or flashes of lightning. And even if there were, they wouldn’t make any sense.  Some of the girls have gone bananas: pills, booze, and disappointments have put them in the care of professionals. Some have lost power of attorney after strange behaviours, like spending all their savings, or giving them away to strangers.

There had been lovers, if you can call them that: greedy, selfish bastards who forgot birthdays, or little courtesies, or the occasional word of appreciation, a little praise to get you through the hard days. Men are pricks, the women say to each other. I wish my husband would do me the favour to drop dead. Not in the house, mind you. Too messy. But in some bar or on the highway. Get himself decapitated, the old fool. He snores and stinks in bed, and I’m too polite to say so. And I’m tired of the same old jokes, the same mindless observations made as if divinely-inspired but just plain old crap. And yet, when he’s quietly sitting there, I wonder what he’s thinking. Or if he’s thinking at all. Wonder if he has regrets marrying me. As if anyone else would have him, the old fool. All men are dumb and women must be too to have them.

Women are wily at any age. They have little tricks to attract, little flirtatious gestures: looks, poses to say Hi You … Yes, you, Fool. Look my way. Look at me. Adore me, you moron, for I am adorable. My purpose in life is to attract for the purpose of reproduction. I am the agent of natural selection, and you – imperfect as you are – have been chosen. So, get over here and say something clever. From the male perspective, it’s: Oh, Oh. There’s a woman looking at me. I can see it in her eyes. She’s interested in reproduction. Damn it. I’m not ready, not in the mood; and I don’t really want to be a Dad to some brat that I need to put up with for twenty years or more. I don’t want to be a house slave supporting others. I’ve wanted a life of adventure, love ‘em and leave ‘em romances – like in the movies. Why can’t life be interesting? Why does it always have to drift to responsibilities, mortgages, slave labour? Give me a good war, lots of buddies to smoke with and save in times of danger; stuff that tests my metal. Why does life have to suck? We all die, so why not die a Hero?

But no, we grow grey and fat; we drink beer in the backyard and shoot the shit with old buddies who bore us to tears; who recycle the same old crap as though its’ a revelation. You told me that already, I say. He looks at me: When? Really? I told you that? Well hell. Anything new to report? (As if we were on a mission.) No. Nothing new. Just checking in. Are you still kicking? Ha, Ha, Ha.

I wish there were ETs, really. They could come and clean us all out. Make a real feast of it. Kill us off. We’re so bored that we’d welcome a good fight. Every man with a musket. Aim and fire at the aliens. Men are made to do battle, but we get little satisfaction from battling traffic to get to work or fighting for our lives in a hospital ward. It all ends the same, though: disappointment and shame at not having made more money, collected more medals in the struggle to acquire more stuff. What is the purpose of life anyway? And why are we even asking? As if there were such a thing as purpose to anything. There isn’t. We just make stuff like that up. It’s tradition, since the time of the Greeks life has to have a purpose. It doesn’t. It’s all just biological. Weed out the useless fucks and promote the strong, the smart, so that life can become more and more complicated, and we can retire with more stuff. When will it end?

I look at lilies sometimes. White ones – my favourite since the days at school when I saw a Rossetti painting: God’s angel visiting Mary, announcing her future as Mom to the Savior. He handed her a white lily, symbol of death. Hers and her son’s, and humankind’s for sure. It all ends in The End. We pass away; we disappear from view, but we remain in the hearts of loved ones For Ever and Ever, and Ever…. Bull. We die, we kick the bucket, and we’re history. Some will miss us, as though there were someone whose birthday they had to remember but forgot. He passed away; we will miss him, but what the hell, he had to go. We go the way of all flesh. Only the Spirit lives on. Long live the Spirit. Another fantasy. We just turn to manure. Dust to dust. Let’s get used to it.

Notice how you automatically check social media many times a day? Why? Why bother? You want to see if anyone still notices that you’re around? Hey, I’m alive! Great. Anything else? No? Well, buzz off. But no one says that, although they think it, and they think more. They think: I am. I am. I am. I am worthy of attention. I should be noticed more. I want your undivided attention. I demand attention. Why are you bastards not paying attention? I will astound you all. One day, so help me God, I will astound you all, and you will go forth and say: He was worthy of attention. He was worthy, but we failed him. We turned our backs on him, and now we’re screwed forever and ever. We are shit. We are worms, not worthy to fit under his feet. Damn it. Why did we fail?

That’s pretty well it in the West, folks. It’s all guilt and recrimination, a lot of self-blame. Failure to notice. Failure to recognize the hints. Hint. Hint. He’s chosen. He’s the One. Are you paying attention or playing video games? You will be sorry …. But then, you’re all born guilty anyway, the Story of Your Life. And you will pay. You will pay for betraying his message. What’s the matter with you, moron? Can’t read? Can’t understand? Well, then, you’re useless in the evolution of things, aren’t you? Not God’s little darling. No. No. Not at all. You will end up in Hell, silly bastard. It’s all your fault. So, don’t come crying to us. You failed; you pay the price.

We feel this before we ever know it, if we ever know it at all. We are superfluous in the grander scheme of things, mere leaves dropping from a tree, dewdrops destined to evaporate. Nature will replace us, maybe permanently, for she has grander things in store for this little planet. She knows the Big Picture, but we are a footnote in it, not the main plot at all. Time means nothing to her.  We are a bird that  has pooped in its own nest repeatedly. And it’s spoiling life for everyone else because we have self-awareness, and we want attention. We want it all the time. We have become a pain in the ass, so we have got to go. Nature is saying: You naughty little shit. You’re going the way of the Dodo.

It’s a hard message, isn’t it? Hard to believe we are not loved. After all we did for Him. Well, He could have shown a little appreciation. All those massive cathedrals, the churches, the martyrs … What about them? We died for His glory, damn it. Doesn’t that count for something? What the hell. What’s a body got to do around here to get some appreciation? Drop an A-bomb? Slit a throat? Not enough blood yet to catch the Big Man’s eye?

He’s so quiet. Is He there? Is He listening? Maybe He got tired of us and has  left the building. Show’s over …. Could be He quit ages ago, back in the times of the burning bush and the flood and all that. We’re too insignificant compared to his other works. We’re just chicken scratch; nothing special, although we try to fool ourselves into thinking we are the main attraction. Maybe we’re mistaken.

Dante Gabriel Rossetti, The Annunciation

The Beast at the Centre

January 26, 2019

Many incarnations have come:
Buddhists, Taoists, Hindus,
Zoroastrians, Jews, Christians,
Muslims, Communists,
Fascists, Capitalists,
Idol-worshipping pagans;
And we have yet to get it right.
Carnage alights;
All gods fall. All gods fail.
Remains the essential need—
The Undefined remains.
Sacred is dust.
Accept it and go.
Embrace the chasm
Accept self and nature,
Ego and stars.